Blessed doesn’t even begin to describe how putting these scrubs and this white coat back on makes me feel!! My friends, His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect through our weakness. So I will boast all the more gladly of my struggles so that His power may rest on me.
(Mother's Day 2017)
It is no secret that we were S T R U G G L I N G at this time last year. We had just become a family of four, were in the beginning stages of renovating a 1925 historic craftsman home we had just bought, both of us busy business owners, and I was neck deep in PPD. I had completely lost my identity in Christ, as Janice, wife, mama, daughter, sister, nurse practitioner, friend. I was seeking validation from social media and every outside source or person I could to try and fill this huge void I felt in my heart after stepping away from my role as an NP at the hospital.
(Mother's Day 2017)
I believe there is God-designed purpose and something to learn from everything we experience and every decision (good or bad) we make in life. I have felt this huge tug in my heart to practice again in some way whether as a nurse, a nurse practitioner, a clinical instructor, medical missions director, etc ever since we were in the hospital with Julie for her surgery last November. No matter how hard I tried to ignore it, there was this constant stirring in my heart that I just couldn't put to the side any longer.
I fought the nudge to act on it and pushed it back initially because I knew I needed to be a more fully-present mama for her as she recovered from surgery, and also because I was deeply seeking to find myself again in Him. Through so many prayers, time just sitting at the feet of Jesus, vast conversations with my husband and mama as well as the ladies in my small group, I 100% knew God was leading me to step out of the business I had worked so hard to build and share with others. A business that dramatically changed the way we lived and spent our time (in a good way), but a business that also was now pulling me in a direction and focus apart from what I'm most passionate about and what I desire most at this season of life. And that is being who Jesus wants me to be, not who the world wants me to be. Being who Jesus called me to be and again pursuing the calling and passion He instilled inside my heart and equipped me to do 12 years ago as a nurse, and 10 years ago as an acute care pediatric nurse practitioner.
It is incredible what you can learn from your little ones and from God when you take the time to just sit, be QUIET, and listen. For me unfortunately and fortunately, it took being knocked down on my knees and even at times flat on my face over and over again, to the point where I was so deep into the dark abyss with what seemed like no way out except through the grace of God. Guess what. That's exactly where He knew I needed to be in order for me to wake up and LOOK UP to see and hear all that He had planned. So had I not gone through that darkest season of life, I would have missed out on these incredible blessings that literally to this day (sept 21, 2018) continue to overflow my cup.
And it's just more proof that His power truly is made perfect in our weakness. I was approached by a dear friend and colleague from Children's (that God Himself kept me closely connected with through my business...how incredible is that???...) who asked me to prayerfully consider working as an adjunct faculty with their University's School of Nursing as a Clinical Instructor. To be honest, it wasn't something I really had ever "desired" to do when I went through nursing school or when I practiced at Children's. But by Summer, I was beginning to feel hungry to get back into the hospital and I felt this could be a good transitional step for practicing again one day.
In the meantime while all of this was going on, I also began training in Krav Maga under my husband's coaching and oh my goodness, what an open door I saw to "do life and business" with him!!?!!? I again had felt that our businesses were pulling us in different directions, and I was so hard-headed about giving mine up, and then when this (above pic) happened everything started to come full circle. I all of a sudden saw myself as the little girl who's standing in front of Jesus holding on to this raggedy and worn teddy bear, crying and begging Him not to ask me to give it up, when behind His back He is holding a brand new, bigger and better teddy bear to give to me as soon as I am willing to let it go. Are. You. Kidding. Me. Yes my friends, HE CARES THAT MUCH about us and about our heart's deepest and most authentic desires.
So in the midst of battling this decision to step out of Arbonne, God used the people closest to me (my husband, my children, my mama, my small group, and a very dear friend) to open my eyes to all that He had in store for our family. He showed me if I would just let go of what was good, He could lead me to great. That led to me accepting that position and beginning a new season of life back at Children's Hospital and I was in H E A V E N getting to see old friends and make new friends, and love on sweet little babies and patients which I had so MISSED. It filled and overflowed my cup and for the first time in a long time I felt J O Y. True. Real. Deep. Heart-bursting. Elating. JOY!
There's a song that I've always loved that says, "You give me joy that's unspeakable, and I like it..." That is exactly how I would sum up what stepping back into the hosptial did for me. It made me a better wife and mama too, a better friend and daughter and sister. All of a sudden, our world (my world) was beginning to shine even brighter. Not because of anything I had done, but because of what God was doing in my heart and my life.
I could see Him so much more vividly in every aspect of my life. Time became even more precious. Yes I was taking time away to spend hours at a time at the hospital, but that is my calling and where God wants me. So I didn't once feel resentment or bitterness towards my work. In my former business, it literally got to the point where I dreaded many tasks and events and I felt so fake and that I had to be picture perfect to be accepted or respected, so much so that it wasn't even enjoyable! Not even a little bit. Life should never be like that, and sadly I think so many of us are stuck in the vortex of social media and what the world expects and demands of us that we are missing out on what matters most.
Being fully present. And I mean FULLY present. Not just at home, working from home, from your phone while your kids are literally at your knees begging you to play or get you a snack or something to drink and you keep saying "yes, in just a second" only for an hour or more to pass and they come back after playing by theirself to ask you again, or remind you that you never got them their snack.... that was me, for a solid two years. Not. Any. More. Once I left the hospital, I left my work there. I wasn't on call, or expected to be on a call for a meeting or training, and I didn't have to be on my phone for everyone else who thought they needed me or couldn't do the business without me. It was so F R E E I N G!!!!!!
(Father's Day 2017)
This man has been the most instrumental person on earth in helping me navigate and conquer my doubts, fears, and feelings of complete and utter failure. He breathed so much life into me and at the time that it mattered most. I have heard him say over and over "Janice, if you're not finding joy in what you do, then stop...no one is making you do this. Life is too short and too hard to let what other people think or say upset you, much less define who you are and how you feel. I just want you to be happy. What is it that truly makes you happy...that's what you should focus your time and energy in doing."
(Father's Day 2017)
W I S D O M is his gift. Todd is so much like my Dad. I've said that countless times, but it resonates more and more with me as we experience all of life's ups and downs together. What in the world would I do without him. These two children of ours also absolutely adore their precious daddy and it's because he is so very present in their lives every single day. I don't discount the blessings our family received from Arbonne, and I know a huge part of it, perhaps THE very purpose behind it was actually for Todd all along. So that he could have the opportunity to step out of his corporate position after 10 years to pursue his lifelong dream of being a business owner and sharing his passion with others. So that he could be a more present husband and father, and that's exactly what he is.
My soul sister, Jessica. This was our last day together in Knoxville before she and her husband relocated to her hometown, hours and hours away. My heart was breaking but in the very same moment I knew our year of frienship had served such a strong purpose in having each other through times of struggle and darkness and doubt and would continue to hold strong for us in the years ahead. And it has....we've continued to stay so very close despite the miles between us. I see her maybe a couple times a year now, and while visits and coffee and dinners are never long enough, they are just enough to fuel us till the next time we get to sit down together and catch up. I count this precious gem as one of my top five. You know, those five people who when you spend time with them you know you come out a better person, a more grateful friend, a happier wife and more loving mother. Yep. That's what happens when my soul is fed by time with her. Goodness GRACIOUS I miss you Jess!!!
When this little one had surgery, Jess was at our house within a couple days to bring food, hold Julie and love on her while I sat and drank a cup of coffee or stuffed my face with peanut butter! She shows up when it matters most, whether I've asked or not. One in a million she is. Just like our sweet Julianna...won't let anything or anyone stand in the way of accomplishing her goal, even if it's just to see her daddy and brother playing football outside in the yard. Whatever it takes, right?
Last summer was so much proof that His ways are Higher. My verse for 2017 was Ephesians 3:20 "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly more than anything we could ever ask or imagine, according to His perfect Will that is already at work in us..." and while I thought that meant for my business...it wasn't. It was in fact was meant for me. Just me. ME!! His plans were to rescue me from what I thought was success and worth and value to show me what true success really does look like. It looks like this picture (above) and (below). Two little ones who want nothing more than to spend time with you no matter where you are. Who want to RUN their hiny's off and jump straight into your arms as soon as you walk in the door from the hospital. Who want to stay right by your side during pre-planning rounds at the hospital.
It's not about me at all, actually. It's all about the lives being shaped by me through Him, and the ones who will come generations down the road from now. The values they've received, the grace they've been shown, and the love of Jesus they've felt because of you. Because of your walk with Christ and your desire to please Him in everything that you do.
God doesn't call the equipped; He equips the called. I didnt feel equipped at all to return to the hospital, but I knew it was where my heart was leading me and it absolutely no doubts whatsoever is the calling God gave me. I knew that strong and unwaivering tug in my heart was from Him. While it took several months for me to act on that nudge I felt in November 2016, while holding my sweet 6mo old baby girl in her hosptial room...God was patient. He bestowed so much clarity, grace and discernment over me through that time. I felt unworthy to be given such an impressionable position, to have such influence over these precious lives at such pivotal moments in their lives, about to step into their nursing careers. It blessed my heart exceedingly abundantly beyond what I knew was ever possible!!
We continued to just seek Him. Just seek God. Not what everyone else thought we should be doing, not what the picture perfect world of social media made us feel we should chase after. We learned and had experienced what true joy in Jesus felt like, and that's what we began chasing after. We dedicated our sweet Julie girl to Jesus and committed just as we had with her older brother to raise her in the Lord and teach and train her to put Jesus first, to love Him above all, to put others before herself, and to know she is so loved by Him and by us always, no matter what.
(Happy 73rd Birthday, Grandad! July 2017)
Todd and I both are so very blessed to have parents who loved Jesus first and who modeled Christ-like behavior as parents for us growing up, and who instilled the same desire within us to lead our children to know and love Jesus first, others second, and ourselves last.
That is no easy task and we fail multiple times a day. But another way that we see God's power being made so perfect through our weakness is in our children. They forgive us every time we mess up, and they forget about it within a few moments. That's such a picture perfect portrayal of God's amazing grace. His mercies that are new every morning that we get to experience. I'm so grateful.
So grateful for my family. For my husband and sweet children. So grateful for the love I feel from them every single day, no matter what.
So grateful that Todd is able to pursue his passions and live out his dreams of being an entrepreneur while empowering others with the necessary skills needed to protect themselves and others. It's truly the highlight of my day to see you growing in Him and leading others to do the same...to focus their time and energy on seeking God, not trying to figure out what His will is...but just seek Him and let Him reveal His incredible plans along their walk with Him in faith together.
At this point, we are nearing the final renovations for the "must-haves" that need to be done before we can move into our home. I haven't even talked about all that we have been doing in the midst of "life" happening around us every day. There are countless decisions being made and projects underway to make our house a home...one of them being a bigger sink in the kitchen, and that's exactly what we got...stay tuned for early 2018 posts of her AND her brother in a kitchen sink big enough for a bath ;)
One thing I will say is that if you don't take time to invest in your spouse and undistracted time with him/her, you will not have a marriage. You will simply exist together and it won't be pleasant. Through it all, we have been so intentional about taking time away even just for 2 hours to have a nice and fancy quiet dinner together. This night was so lovely--I will remember it until the day I die!
(2017 Eclipse Donuts--they're really are as good as they look in the next pic!)
While we are blessed to have lots of time together at home, it isn't always easy to snag quality husband/wife time and conversation with our two little ones. Don't get me wrong, they are our focus while they are awake and we love investing the time we have together as a family with them...but being honest here, parenting is hard and sometimes ugly and unflattering, and exhausting. So by the time they lay their sweet little heads down to go to bed, we can't lay our own heads down to sleep fast enough! We also know sweet Julie girl is bound to wake up within a few hours as she usually does.
I've heard over and over and over in the last year "don't wish this season away" and "make the most of this time together" and "they're gonna grow up quicker than you can bat your eyelashes" and I know this is all true. And for some reason, hearing this over and over and over would have normally completely frustrated me. So it must be the new perspective God has given me of how quick and fragile life really that has helped me cherish each moment, each day, no matter how hard or dark or exhausting or joyful.
I also know talking with my sweet Mama every day is a gentle but hard reminder that we aren't promised tomorrow. She has now lived more than a decade without her husband, her best friend, her other half. I can't imagine that. So often I want to have "me time" and just take a nap or have a break to clear my head, but she reminded me that she's in a place in life where she has more "me time" than she knows what to do with. She would give anything to have an abundance and overflow of work and running errands and cooking for and cleaning up after if she had the choice.
But she does choose joy. She lives each day fully present as best she can with her children and grandchildren, and continues to pray every single day for us, and also still models what a woman after God's own heart should. I know she sees the fruits of her and daddy's labor in her grandchildren.
They way many of them favor him and even look like him in their expressions and mannerisms. This once in a lifetime opportunity to experience the solar eclipse couldn't have happened at a better place than on the farm with my mom and my older brother and his family.
A first for all of us that we will never forget. Time stood still for that one moment when the sun was completely blocked by the moon, everything was dark, and we could hear how in sync God's creation and His creatures are with the "rising and falling" of the sun. It was truly indescribable.
As most would admit, traffic following that incredible milestone in time was not so incredible at all. It took us (me and the kids) 5 hours to drive what would normally take 45 minutes. With less than a mile to our destination, Tucker threw up EVERYWHERE in the backseat of the car. Thank goodness we were actually close to arriving at the training site where our babysitter met us and completely took over and handled Julie while I got Tuck all cleaned up so he could play. It was awful. Bless his little heart and tummy!! But the evening was made perfect when I got to see and train alongside my sweet husband. Monday nights with him are my favorite =)
Apparently, he was just tired of being in the car for sooooo long, but was good as new that evening and the next day. If there is one thing that is true about Tucker and his huge heart, its that he loves his mama. Every time I come home from the hospital he always asks me: "Mommy? How was your day at the hospital? How many kids did you see today? How old were they? Did you have a good time?" Talk about melting me into a complete puddle!!! He means every word too. He is the sweetest little boy I've ever known and it gives me complete validation from Jesus that I am where He wants me.
The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.
If you're having trouble finding joy, take a few minutes and write down 5 things you're thankful for. Here are a few of mine:
#1 8/27/17-our first night in our new home!!!
#2 my husband who saved us literally thousands of dollars by building and restoring and renovating our new garage and our historic home himself!!
#3 the sweetest babies in the world who I simply can’t imagine my life without!!
#4 small groups: because through the good and the bad, the easy and the challenging, together is always better!!
#5 the freedom to start each day with my cup of coffee and my Bible. Sitting at the feet of Jesus each morning is where you truly are able to see how His Power is made perfect in our weakness.
