In the two months leading up to these events, my world had been completely turned upside down on the inside, yet to the outsider's eye, it was the perfect dream life, and we had it all together.
The reality, the grace of God was all that was holding us together. I remember waking up one morning, coming in to the living room and kitchen where I saw Tuck sitting on the floor playing with his race cars, and Todd in the middle of our kitchen holding and swaying our baby girl who was fast asleep in his arms. He reached his arm out for me and pulled me in to hold and sway just as tight and with more love than I could even fit inside me.
He had been up all night with her already, yet had the sweetest smile on his face and this amazing sense of comfort and confidence that spilled all over my soul...."I love you, Janice. We're gonna get through this." He didn't say "you" will get through this. "WE."
He has always been there for me. In my worst moments and greatest life's challenges. It was no coincidence that we began our marriage and this new life together, and within a few hours--lost an incredible life... my own Daddy, who held on until just a few hours after we were married to take his last earthly breath. Day 1 of our marriage began with love, joy, elation, excitement, and also heartbreak, anger, fear, overwhelming sadness and undefinable loss.
God knew all along the love, joy, excitement, and victories we would enjoy, AND ALSO the trials and struggles and fears we would face together as husband and wife. Only His grace and love can sustain you during these times, and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt my husband was completely designed by God for me to have and to hold, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, through life and death,...
...when we bought our new home, it had what I would call an old-fashioned flower bed, but without blooming flowers... it was more of a mulch bed and that mulch was more like dirt and weeds that had sat there for years and years without any tending. Together, we dug that entire flower bed up by hand and shovel, including the brick edging, the stones and rocks throughout, and hauled it all to the woods (multiple trips back and forth) by wheelbarrow. As a farm-girl at heart, I felt completely at home through the sweat and blisters, and thought of my sweet daddy so many times and all of his hard work, and the blood, tears and sweat he shed to provide for our family. We bought and planted this tree together, and I see it so much as a beautiful reminder of my Daddy, and also of God's amazing grace that is always with us, through every season. God's grace holds us together for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, and through life and death.
One of my great struggles was mommy-guilt. Guilt that aaaaaaall of the time and attention I previously could so freely give to my son, was now divided between him and our new daugter. Oh my goodness...it wasn't an even split at all. Because of her cleft palate, feeding and even at times breathing issues, Julianna was much more of a hands-on baby and really didn't sleep at all in her first 6 months of life. If she did, it was while in our arms. Tuck was this adorable, excited big brother, who had a baby sister that wasn't big enough to play with him yet, and always had one parent fully tending to her, while the other parent was trying to catch up on sleep. He found himself spending more and more time at his Grandad and Mimi's house, and enrolled at a brand new pre-school where he would spend a large majority of the day, two days a week. But yet again by the grace of God, he absolutely loved it, and this school picture--his very very first one--completely melted and broke my heart all in one. He's the sweetest little soul I've ever known, and I hope and pray he always knows how much we adore and love him.
The time had finally come for Julianna's surgical repair. We again knew in our hearts this was the very best option for Tuck, and he was craving more attention and undistracted time, which he got lots and lots and lots of at Grandad and Mimi's. It's still hard however, packing a suitcase for someone you love so much and still want with you every second of every day.
Nevertheless, Julianna would have her surgery on a Thursday morning, November 3rd 2016, and she would require overnight monitoring in the hospital before being released the next day. We took lots and lots of pictures of her and with her leading up to her repair. I just could not stop staring into those big brown eyes. As hard as the days and nights were, we knew deep down in our hearts this surgery would be another step in a direction of healing and new life for our baby girl, and for our family.
We knew God had this planned all along. He wasn't surprised when she was found to have a cleft palate in the newborn nursery during her first assessment. We knew He was with us day in and day out in the months leading up to this point in time. These were our last tight snuggles together before they took her out of my arms. I couldn't let my mind go with her into that room. I couldn't let myself think of all the things I knew could go wrong because WE KNEW He would also be with her while she was asleep in the operating room. We had literally hundreds and thousands of sweet family, friends, and those we've never even met praying over our precious baby girl during these hours apart. Those prayers combined with His grace and His sovereign plan over her sustained us.
I was not prepared for how she was brought back to us. She was still actively bleeding from her mouth. She was crying uncontrollably, and had obviously been in distress as her face was covered in blood from her chin to her cheeks and over her little nose. Her cry... it wasn't her. It sounded different. Muffled. Deeper. Raspy. She always had a high-pitch soft little cry, which makes sense because before her surgery she had a huge hole and opening in the roof of her mouth, so everything was wide open into her nasal cavity. Now it was closed. I hadn't even thought about how she would sound completely different. She wouldn't open her eyes. She couldn't see me, but I know she could hear me. She completely calmed as soon as I held her in my arms. I absolutely lost it and just wept over her. I didn't care that she was bloody. I wasn't concerned that she was getting blood all over my shirt and her blanket. I was just SO glad she was in my arms again.
God's grace. He held her in the palm of His hands during our greatest moments of fear and through all of the "what' if's" leading up to this point in time...and He brought her back into our arms. I won't ever forget these moments of just quiet. Holding her. Daddy leaning in and kissing her forehead, and Julianna reaching her arm up to feel his face. She knows her daddy just as well, and she took a deep sigh and breath in that moment. We prayed together, over our sweet angel and her new palate, so carefully and perfectly pieced and stitched back together by her surgeon Dr Mark Ray. Goodness, what a calling and what a blessing he became to our family. In all of my years practicing at Children's Hospital, both as a nurse and as a Nurse Practitioner, I never dreamed I would be there with one of my own babies as a patient. But I am so forever beyond thankful and grateful for the LOVE and the care we received while there.
11.4.16: Six months old today. It was the longest night of our life. We took 4-hr shifts holding her and rocking her. We prayed for two things: that she would open her little eyes again, and that she would be able to drink her milk through a sippy cup or at least take some from a syringe. Evening passed and morning came; neither had happened yet. We laid her down for a diaper change around 730am, and while Daddy was singing to her, she opened those big beautiful brown eyes and even smiled a little. After an hour off of her IV fluids, she finally wanted to drink some milk from a free-flow sippy cup. It wasn't much, but it was another step in the right direction, and meant we could go home later that day. After spending even just one night in the hospital, we couldn't get home fast enough!
Three weeks without a bottle or a paci while her new palate and her mouth healed. She had this little giraffe for months leading up to her surgery, but he once had a paci attached to the end of his little nose/mouth. I won't ever forget giving him to her for the first time after her surgery, and she held him out and looked at him, very confused, looking for her paci that was no longer attached, then finally crying the most pitiful little cry of hurt feelings... she didn't understand. She had a mouth full of stitches and lots of pain. She was getting pain medication every 4 hours around the clock that made her a little sleepy and groggy. She couldn't have her bottle, and we couldn't explain any of it to her.
Her comfort came once again in just...being... held... all the time. It was exhausting and so hard seeing your little one hurt and experience TRUE pain. Pain that you can't take away or explain. Pain that you can only medicate and hold her through. So that's exactly what we did. We took shifts holding her, feeding her, holding her, giving medicine, trying to squeeze in a little rest here and there, and time with Tuck with what we had left to give. There honestly wasn't much left to give at the time I felt, but looking back I see how it was still enough and he still felt loved and cared for and important. All a sign of God's abundant grace in our home.
My mom came and stayed a few days with us also to help with all of the things that demand your time and attention in your home that just couldn't be a priority for us. What in the world would we do without our mom's? She was a huge part of our saving grace during this transition time again at home. With her help we took a little time to get out of the condo and grab some fresh air, and a few moments of time in our new home (which we weren't living in just yet--still lots to fix up and renovate at this time)...but we had new mums on the front porch, hands full of sweet little ones, and hearts bursting with gratitude for the many blessings we did have.
Our sweet and petite six month old baby girl. You are stronger than I can say, tougher than I ever imagined, and loved so much by your big brother, Tuck and your mommy and daddy....not to mention so many more who have prayed over you throughout this entire journey. We truly can not express in words how grateful we are for all of you and for our Heavenly Father's love over us and strength within us.
Julianna quickly got the hang of her new sippy cup, and went from a max of 18oz of formula in a days time straight up to 30oz. After only a few days at home, her cheeks began filling out. Her eyes brightened. Her smile became even more joyful as she likely for the first time in a really long time actually began to feel full. She began eating apples, sweet potatoes, bananas and carrots like they were going out of style and she loved every moment of it.
Despite going through (naturally) a little bit of separation struggles, Tuck still found so much love in Mommy and Daddy's arms...and I was completely okay that he didn't want to let go for a season.
He also found even more love in time at home with his sister. He once told me that he "prayed so hard for Julianna when she was in the hospital....,...because I love her"... and for me, these were words of affirmation that God IS big enough to allow our sweet little boy the ability to still find love in his heart for us AND his baby sister. Although it may have seemed that we were so distant and busy with life and Julianna that we didn't have time for him, that isn't at all how Tuck felt. That is the grace of God, my friends. It completely took me back to that moment in time not long ago, when Todd reached out his arm to hold and sway with me while already holding Julianna...and I realized all over again that he was still right...everything would be okay...WE would all be okay.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9.
